This all seemed really clear to me when I was thinking about it yesterday, probably helped out by a few rum and cokes. But it occurred to me, thinking about some things that other people are going through right now, that in some sense, I have never broken up with anyone. Which is a pretty bizarre thought, at this point in my life. I've had relationships that ended, but they always either fizzled and ended without discussion, or it was some dramatic and awful thing, in which I never got a chance to say anything.
And so I wonder if that's why these things linger in my mind, which I still talk in my head to people who have not been part of my life in decades. Who will never, ever be part of my life again.
So let's start again and say some goodbyes.
The ghosts of the past...
Phil: These days, I would probably have called you a fuckbuddy, because mostly we slept together a lot. We went out together once... and it wasn't even a date, more of the a thing where everyone went to a concert together. And that's where it all started. I thought I loved you, but the fact of the matter is that I really didn't know you at all, and you didn't know me. I think I finally got somewhere when I didn't care any more. That's the point at which I intrigued you, and then maybe something else would have come of it. But that's when I got involved in my 15 second engagement to Scott. And then I never saw you again until years later. Until my wedding, the wrong day to see you. All the chemistry was still there, and it was the wrong time to realize it. And then I spent my wedding night, and a lot of time after that, with you in my heart. I never saw you again. Every time I go to Maine, I think I will see you... but it's never happened, and I've never pursued it. We had nothing in common, really, except sex. You never really talked to me about anything. There was no real relationship. I am breaking up with you. I am choosing to break up with you because we had no relationship, and you didn't value you me until I played games with you. It's not what I want in a relationship. And I value myself too much to want to be part of that, even in memories in my head.
Scott: I almost didn't even put you down here. For about a month, we were engaged. We'd known each other for a couple of weeks, and it was one of those things. Never meant to happen, once we got to know each other. This is maybe the only relationship that I ever ended myself, although again, I didn't even really end it. I let it slide away. I stopped writing, and you vanished. I barely remember you, never think of you... but I remember for this moment, a few magic times. And a few really strange times. But we were 19, and it was a strange time in general. Goodbye, Scott, wherever you are and whatever happened to you.
And Scott... I just found you on Facebook, much to my surprise. You're still kind of cute. But I don't think that you're someone I want to know any more. I still see the sweetness in you, the kindness. But we were too different then, and nothing about that has changed. It's a shame really. It would be funny/bizarre to reconnect and find common ground after all this time.
Paul: We're probably among the only people who've ever gotten a divorce without really even talking about it. We talked about a lot of things in the early days, but when you wouldn't make any effort to keep me, to keep your promises even for a moment. A lot of people would have stayed. You were a good guy then, and you are a good guy now. You've been a good father to our child. And you were the relationship of my youth. It was never really right, although we had our moments. Some great moments. But it was never really bad, either. Until I got older and lonelier and just wanted more. We slid into a divorce because I quit, really, and you made no effort to stop it. We didn't know how to talk to each other. And so we never did. I'm sorry for my part in it. I'm sorry that I quit and went my own way instead of dealing with it honestly. It is little excuse to say that I felt trapped and cornered, and silly though it seems now, I just did not know what to do. I am sorry for that. I know that I hurt you. You hurt me, too, because I kept thinking that if you loved me, you would fight for me. In the fullness of time, that seems less clear. I wish that we'd had a cleaner ending. I don't regret the divorce, and I certainly don't wish myself back. But it could all have played out differently. Both of our faults. And maybe both of us have learned to communicate a little better since then.
And later, the ghosts of the present.
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