Serendipity

I am so angry with myself, that I could be so foolish after so much time.  Not that I chose to see someone, fell for the line, if that's what it was, but that I just know that if there were only a message, I'd be all happy again.  And there we go, hopping down the bunny trail.  But at the end of the trail is the same old story, valuing myself so little that I settle for whatever I can have.

I don't regret the loss of this particular man, since, after all, without running him down, most of what he had going for him was availability and chemistry.  But, oh, I do regret that dizzying happiness that you get from those first moments with someone that fits.  It's been so long... it's been since John, and that was a lifetime ago.  I had forgotten how good it feels, and it's hard not to be hunting for that, thinking, where could I find that again now?  Right now?

I am angry, too, that I believed in the moment of serendipity, that this happy coincidence of events could have given me both a new carpet and a friend with benefits.  Two things that I thought were a long way off.  It seems like a ludicrous thing to say, but it was like that for a moment, all those nights lying in bed with Michael, eying that stain on the ceiling, wondering if there was still a water leak... the surprising coincidence of the raining ceiling, just after the room had been fixed... the carpet that I so wanted to replace, because I couldn't bear the memory of the times that I tried to clean it... the mattress for my son, and the stunning surprise of a man who seemed to be flirting with me from moment one, but not in a creepy way.  It seemed like a gift of happiness, like... yeah, like someone watching out for me, and for one second I believed in that ghost. 

And now... it's like taunting a kid with candy.  It's like the things that my mother used to say... "I thought about taking you to this, but I didn't."  Worse than if you'd never believed that there was a possibility.  I know that I'll get back there, but right now, I'd give a lot for none of this to have happened at all.  To be back to the flashes of contentment that came from getting my life organized, from things being simple, from things being all right.  Nothing shiny, but nothing awful, either.

This will fade.  I won't care about it soon, and my therapist is right in that what I probably need is more candy, not less... that with a few more stabs at this, it will seem like just another thing.  But it's not so easy to find these things.  Not when you're trying to value yourself at the same time.

I know I wrote this before, but it's just that I thought for a second that I was going to get to be happy for a while.  I am so angry.  I am so resentful.  I feel like I've put in my time, and that it's my turn.  Isn't it?