...doesn't mean that you don't want to die.
I said to my therapist yesterday that I have never been less suicidal in my life, and that's absolutely true. But ugh, I just want to die. And anyone who's had episodes of suicidal ideation knows exactly what I mean. I just want all this to STOP. I want to be done. I want to get off this ride.
I want a different life. One with someone in it, really. Yeah, I had to write that, even though I wish I didn't feel that way. Because when I imagine a happy life, it always contains a partner. I can't imagine a happy life that's about being alone. Maybe someday I will be able to. But I'm not there right now.
Yesterday, after therapy and after it became clear that I wasn't going to hear from Joe, I took myself shopping, and then I went to a movie. All of that because it was different from coming home and being alone. And it was, and it was better, really. But today, I'm alone again, and I'm not motivated to do anything, although I'm really trying to be. I run through my head, where could I go? What could I do? And it all goes to the same place, to finding someone to be with.
I want to unhinge this. This link that says happy=company. Male company. At some point, it can't be all that. But I feel time slipping away so fast, and like it's a race, a race to find someone to be with before it's too late, and that is all so stupid, such a recipe for disaster and bad choices that I know that I have to find a different way.
I don't know why this all links in my head this way. Why I crave someone's touch, why I feel invisible and without meaning when I'm alone. I hate myself for being this way. I want it to be different, and I have to figure out how to get to that different road.
No comments:
Post a Comment