Circles

I feel like I'm going in circles.  Big circles and little circles and ovals and circle things that are not circles.  And none of it gets me anywhere.  Because, you know, circles.

I think that things settle in my head, and then I remember something that happened, usually some Michael thing, and I get so angry.  Especially when I think about how he deliberately stalked me those last months, read everything that I wrote.  I feel invaded.  And worse than that, it's like when I used to go to England and think that everything was fine, and then later, when I was back here, he'd tell me all the things that were not fine.  It's that horrible feeling that you're living in a trap, that reality is nothing like you think it is.

There, that made me cry.  I got almost all the way through today without crying.  For better or worse.  Even though every single thing today has been a giant effort of will.

I just want something to be fun.  I want to stop sitting around all the time crying or trying to push myself a little harder to get some work done or pretend that my hip/knee doesn't hurt or that I'm not fucking lonely.  That's the thing that I really don't want to admit.  I am so lonely.  I've been lonely for a long time.  Lonely for a companion, for a partner.

But it's so dangerous to think that.  So, so dangerous.  It leads me down paths that scare me, that feel wrong and creepy, because I don't want a relationship now.  I don't think I could bear it, even if there were someone out there offering.  And so... well, what's left?  Plus of any of the choices, could I handle that crapshoot of trying to find someone, someone safe who is still what I want/need?

What would be better is to forget about it.  But I can't seem to do that.  I feel so embarrassed and awful even having this conversation with myself, admitting that I just want an adult to pay attention to me, to make me feel like an attractive and desirable person again.  I feel like I shouldn't be thinking this, shouldn't be wanting this.  That it's too soon and too stupid and that I'm too old for this.

And really believing that doesn't change how I feel.

Circles.  Vertigo, and circles.