I am trying so hard. I am trying so very hard. I am keeping going and putting one foot in front of the other and just going. Trying to make myself feel better. Trying to make myself healthier. Trying to make myself saner.
But by this time every night, it is always the same. I'm worn down, I'm worn out, I'm sad and angry, and I'm afraid. Afraid that it will always be like this. Afraid of a past I can't reconcile or explain, at least not to the person who mattered. I feel haunted and sad and immobile, and I just don't know what to do.
I'm clutching at straws, the straws of companionship that just might make me feel better for a tiny bit of time. But that's all wrong, too. I'm not the person I was a decade ago. I feel so damaged, and I'm not sure if I can be someone light and fun and attractive. And I don't feel attractive most of the time, although it's coming back. I felt attractive with Tim, because he'd seen me; he'd met me. I wasn't words on a page, putting a best foot forward.
And so what do I do? What is next? How do I make some leap from here?
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