Wrong

I know what I'm doing.  I'm looking for a quick fix outside myself.  I'm looking for someone to make it all feel better, and I know that this is the wrong thing to do.  It was better before this occurred to me as an option, before I had those few happy days that made me remember what it's like to feel like that. 

I don't know what I'm supposed to do next.  I am sitting here waiting for an email from someone who should not even be emailing me.  I'm looking in the wrong place for something that's the wrong thing, and I can't seem to stop myself from walking down this path.

And at the same time, the thought of anything with anyone makes me nauseated and scared, and I know that I am not in any way ready for anything at all emotional.  I can see fractions of all of me spread too thin.  I feel terrible, still.  Not all the time, but enough.  End of the day is hardest. 

I need to be about me, not about someone else, whether it's a real someone or a quick fix.  I know this.  But I don't know how.  I keep getting distracted by shiny objects.  It's like going to the refrigerator for those nibbles.  About buying the things that you know should not be in the house.  I don't know how to stop.