This is not all right.

I could list the good things today.  The vertigo is not so bad.  J's AP scores.  Most of a good day.  Until it stopped being good.

And it didn't stop being good for any real reason of importance.  Just tired and annoyed and probably low blood sugar, and, BANG, there I am, back to hell.  And once I tip over that point, there is no fixing it.  I've tried.  Talked to people.  Did something nice for someone.  Ate.  I wonder if it would make any sense to go to the gym at this time?  When I've already been today?

I don't know what to do.  I want so badly to have someone wrap their arms around me and hold me and tell me that everything is going to be all right.  Even if it's not true.  Even if it's only about this one moment.  I want my mother.  I want... someone.  I want to be in England a lifetime ago with John, when it seemed like anything was possible.  I want to be sitting on the couch with Michael, curled against him, watching TV and sleeping.  In England again, a lifetime ago.  I want to not feel so damaged and alone.  I want to have just one problem that I can hand to someone else to solve. 

I should go to bed.  There is no point to this circle of grief and anger and despair.  It's nothing but awful, and I don't know how to stop it.  I can't go back on the antidepressants.  There's no point.  I don't know if it would even help. 

At some point, you realize that there aren't an infinite number of years to make everything right.  You can't start over again and again infinitely. 

I can still see the lines of my wedding ring on my finger.