Just can't think

I have no idea where I am or why.

I'm sad and discouraged, and I can't seem to keep some sort of even mood.

On the other hand, there's this weird kind of elation from the reintroduction of other people into my life.

And on yet another hand... this is an octopus kind of problem... I'm confused and weary and scared.  Getting up at 4.a.m. to drive home, waking up smelling of cigarettes and other smoke, dehydrated and hungover and sore.  I mean, when you put it that way, I honestly can't tell if it sounds like a good thing or a bad thing. 

Part of me is elated.  There's a part of me that's always been a bad girl, who is freest like this, who would love nothing more than to dive into the deep end.  Wherever and whenever.  And it takes my mind off everything else, and that feels so good.

Part of me is terrified by the whole thing.  Part of me says, dangerous behavior, things that can hurt, you are too old for this, and there's too much that you need to do to get back to healthy.  (And who would want you anyway, for more than a night?)  Bad voices, negative voices. 

Part of me is so discouraged and lost.  I feel like everything that I do starts out positive and ends in failures, large or small.  You can say that's wrong.. but there is some truth to it.

I can't seem to get a perspective on anything, and there's no one I can really talk to about it, who I really feel comfortable talking to all of it about.  I don't know what to do.