I just want to note this here, so I have a reminder.
And ugh, I feel like shit, although I don't think it's the drug per se; I think that it's pushing myself and doing things that I don't want to do, and the awfulness that results from anything that still has Michael's name on it, and trying to talk to people about it. I fall apart every fucking time. EVERY time.
I think that I'm over this stuff, that it's "better" now. And in a way, it is... I am feeling myself come back, if that makes sense. But with that, so much sense of loss, of me, of the time, of the good parts of Michael. All of it is heartbreaking, in the most literal sense.
I would not be who I am today without this, and except for the deep, bitter scars, who I am is not so bad. Pretty damn good. But it's a hell of a price to pay.
I want to be diverted, to do something that makes me feel crazy happy. But I don't feel like I can just call Tim, and he's my crazy happy thing. All the rest of it is just crazy.
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