My own fault

It is my fault that I've had too many drinks on an empty stomach, and that's making me sad and maudlin, and that's spurring all the rest of it.

My fault that I want to be with someone else too much.  That I let myself fall into how great it feels to just enjoy someone else's company.  To feel wanted, for whatever reason.  To get lost in the only thing that really makes my head shut up these days.  That I barely even care who that other person is, as long as I can get that distraction fix.

My fault for getting involved in an impossible friendship with someone who I want to just be quiet and make my head stop spinning.  And that there's this huge physical attraction for me, but that I can't even talk to him about what his side of it might be.  So I'm feeling all rejected because he doesn't want to be with me this weekend.  Yes, he's on call.  But he made that work before.  And he didn't text me... I texted him, apparently so he could turn me down.  And I don't know what the hell I expect or why I am being so butthurt.  I obviously don't expect that he will always (or, I guess, ever) just drop everything or have nothing going on in his life just because I want him.  (But you know what?  I think I'm done with this, super attraction or not.  Tonight's awkward texting, especially after the bat incident, means that the ball is in his court here, and I'm not holding my breath waiting for it to come back.)

And my fault, too, for starting to care more than a little about someone who isn't free to care about me, even though he wants to and he does.  It's another road to heartbreak, for both of us, and I know it even if he doesn't.  I resent that he wants to pull me down this road, and that I apparently don't have enough will to step away from it.  Because that lure of attention and caring... it's the only thing that pulls me right now. 

I was right to begin with when I said, no one for at least a year.  I know that with absolute certainty.  But I opened Pandora's box, and all this crap has flown out, and I can't shut the lid.

And everything I touch these days reminds me of Michael and how sad I am.  I don't know what to do.  I thought I could be alone, and I can, but it is so much better with someone else.  Just to be with.  My fault for feeling this way, for not just being able to sink my head into something else and move on.  My fault.