Breathing

I wake up with a guy in my bed... I talk to Impossible Guy who I like on the phone... and I think, for a moment, maybe I would like to have a relationship again.  A real relationship, not one with someone who is impossible for one reason or another.  Someone to wake up with and go to bed with, someone to plan with, someone to share with.

And then something happens, and I remember things like panicking because I left my phone at home, and I couldn't be contacted.  Rushing home from the little fair that my niece and I went to last summer because Michael was freaking out about something.  Always worrying that something was in the way, on the floor, somewhere he might step and trip.  Being worried all the time about his displeasure.

Until I stopped worrying about it.  And he thought I'd changed, and maybe I had, but really, I'd just reached the end of my rope.  The fine thing strands of fiber, and I couldn't do it any more, simply couldn't.  I'd give so much to be able to wrap my arms around him again and really explain it, instead of the stupid shouting.  But he couldn't understand, wouldn't understand, whatever.  I wish that he had not been so sad.  I wish that he could have understood.  I wish that he could know how much I loved him, still love him, will always love him.

But I think about it, and I can't breathe.  I think about anyone living with me, and I can't breathe.  I think about having to be accountable to anyone, and I can't breathe.

I might want someone else, might want that desperately, might hate the idea of alone forever.  But it would take a hell of  a lot to be able to make any different choice.  I think I've only hit the tip of the iceberg of how much damage there is.

On a tangent note... tonight I kissed someone who was Not Tim.  It was ok.  It had potential.  But it made me realize that the attraction to Tim isn't just OMG sex.  There's a real chemistry there that's amazing and powerful.  Which is a little scary, really, because I still say all the same things.  This is not a long-term guy.  But... well, he sure as hell is something else.  For the moment.