There's this person who I am in my heart, and she is amazing and free and beautiful and confident and so many other things, And sometimes I can almost touch her. I could yesterday at the gym, when I was on the elliptical, and the music was cranked,, and I was unstoppable.
But then there are the moments when I know I'm nowhere near her. Like now, when I'm checking and rechecking email because I haven't heard from someone who really shouldn't be emailing me anyway. I am being squirrely about a friendship that I don't even care about. If it vanished tomorrow, I'd be probably a little put out, but mostly relieved. It's diversion, diversion from my head, diversion from attaching myself to Tim (or anyone else). But yet I see myself in the mire of wanting and waiting and all the things that keep me from free, keep me from being that person I can see in my head.
It's time to get the hell off the computer and go to the gym.
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