I don't have any idea what to do with myself.
It's not that I don't have things to do. Things that I should do, things that possibly I would like to do... a lot of things that just need to be done. And it's not even that I can't concentrate, because the meds have helped.
I just don't have any interest in doing any of it. It's the first time in years that my life hasn't been so full that there were no choices at all. And for a while there, I loved that. I loved the absence of constant demands. I love the ability to get up in the morning and just be quiet. I love putting music on... putting things where I want... things staying picked up... not worrying about things being on the floor. All the practical stuff.
But I miss... something. I miss Michael, the old Michael... sort of, although in truth I miss the good things, lying in bed at night and playing Scrabble and laughing, making snacks at 2 a.m., talking about things, driving... I miss the old days in England. I miss the things that we never did once we were in the U.S., sitting next to each other on the couch and falling asleep, lying in bed and watching storms through the window. And planning a future.
And it's more that than anything else. It all seems pointless without someone else. I've been so lonely, and it seems for so long, since Michael got sick to begin with and everything changed. Nothing compensates for that loss of a life partner. I don't know if I will ever have that again. I don't know how to find someone like that anymore... where to even look. It's too soon, and I know it, but I can't stand the drifting loneliness, the lack of grounding. The moments with other people these days only seem to highlight it. I could make this work as is with just a little input, a little structure, but this on-again, off-again stuff with Tim is not that, and there's nothing to fill the gap, just a flirtation that is foolish for both of us and only highlights my aloneness.
I hate it, and I don't know how to get on some different path. I can do things that distract me from this, but it's a temporary thing, and they are probably not good in the long run. And it's only going to get worse when Jonathan goes to school in a couple of weeks.
What do I do next?
You're working through this, slowly, but staying very aware of your feelings, looking at them, observing them. I see you putting things into perspective too. That's a very good thing. At first there are things we know intellectually, but to benefit from them we have to understand them subjectively, ourselves, in our own minds. Just like you are doing.
ReplyDeleteHere in Turkey, when there's a death, the typical thing to say is "Başın sağ olsun" - "May you be sound." It sounds a bit strange really, as if they are saying "well, your loved one is gone but you stick around!" But what it really means is "Life continues to flow; may you have the strength to move through this and keep flowing along with life."
It's terribly hard, but it sounds like you are doing exactly what you need to be doing, and I wish you the best.