another day

I don't know where I'm supposed to go from here.

My son is at school, safe and happy.

My niece is at school, doing whatever she's doing.  And whatever that is, it is not my problem or responsibility any more.  Maybe one day she'll grow up a little, but I have to step back from all of that until (if?) that happens.

My husband is dead.

And I am sitting here by myself. 

In the mornings, I love being alone.  At night, I hate it. 

Everything seems like an effort that I can't make.  I could finish this sweater, and I'd be happier knitting... but I'd have to figure out how to pick up the button band.  And find the right needles.  Or remember where I left off on the tank top.  Or find something to string the beads for the new project.  Or wind yarn.  All of those things seem like something that I can't do.  I'm just marking time until I can go to bed. 

Nights are bad.

This is when I miss Michael the most, when the memories close in, when my own aloneness closes in, and all I'm doing is marking time.

I should be doing things to occupy myself... I managed this last night pretty well, tonight, not so much.

I don't know how to turn this around, make this different.  I should be working... I forgot all about the fact that I should be working on this test bank and so forth.  Maybe that can be the weekend.  I want to pick up a book and some junk food and turn my head off.  But I can't even do that any more.  I've worked so hard to get this little bit of weight off, and I can't sabotage that. 

But all the time, I think about being with someone else.  I don't want that.  I don't want to want it.